And so proves my excellent ability to be able to commit to anything in my life. Not even things I am really passionate about are enough to get me to actually commit the time to work on or develop them at all. So it is no surprise that a blog I had been meaning to enrich with some sort of substantial word jargon since last October has again gotten buried under the deep folds and chaos of my mind. Just like how any object left in my messy room would become instantly lost. As soon as you turn your attention away from it, it gets consumed amongst all the mess surrounding it
So what’s been happening? Nothing really that interesting or crazy but I’ll tell you anyway
I have chosen to destroy the conveniently distracting bubble of round 2 mid-twenties confest-boy-warehouse living. I haven’t talked about it much here but living there was enthralling and beautiful. The hugs, smiles, genuine heart connections, jams and just waking up to didgeridoo was epic. Plus it was a great pick up line for anyone I liked at bar Oussou- ‘You know I live in a warehouse just around the corner from here.. want to check it out?’
It was definitely the only place I could of been this winter in Melbourne without getting too depressed.
But darkness got me in the end.
Founded by that very line at Oussou in fact.
I called it round 2 because I had actually lived with 5 guys at a warehouse before, and it really felt like history was repeating itself. I saw my days were consumed by non structured flow of socialising and jamming, which was easy but like the first time around, really I was happily avoiding getting anything done. Also my voice has been really suffering from all of its use there, I have a strained voice and even though I know I shouldn’t talk too much or sing, I can’t help myself around lovely people. So I chose to cut the connection with this 5-male crew, and go.
After this came the darkest part of my year in the halfway house that is Emma’s place. I was addicted to sugar, eating all sorts of crap like dairy and meat even, watching trashy reality TV, I had insomnia for the first time in my life, and felt this deep sadness about the loss of my voice, my main channel of expression and emotion. How it is bruised and worn, and can’t even sing for one minute without it hurting. But don’t want to rant about that here though. No one seems to think its any different or bad. I know for a fact the effect my voice used to have on people is no longer there, and physically there is an issue.
Anyway. As displaced and disheartened as I felt at my friends house, it did actually provide me the transition into where I am now. On Father’s day last month, while having dinner with my dad and sister, my dad was annoyed about me paying rent and said why don’t I live with my mum or sister, and my sister finally agreed to have me stay in one of our dad’s flats he owns. She was meant to move in there over a year ago, but has not left my dads house, so this 2-bedroom flat has remained empty and waiting, with all of my old things I had left in there before embarking on my confusing adventure last year starting with Dragon Dreaming.
So I finally live alone now. This was what I have been wanting to do for ages, solitude. Except I want this on the road in a van.
My daily activities are stripped now down to the bare necessities- Cooking, busking for food, sleep, and maintaining that minimal amount of cleanliness required to not be sucked into another vortex of chaos around me. Just this bare requirement for living takes up most of my time to uphold.
I don’t eat anything I don’t cook now. I just can’t, most of it gives me a sore stomach and I can’t afford to eat out. I can spend hours making meals. My most recent ones were lentil, mushroom and walnut burgers, curry pie, and I always make sushi and smoothies for a quick snack.
Cleaning consumes a HUGE amount of time, and I am still not satisfied with the state of my apartment yet. Most of the floor is still visible, and I do have a lot more space to work with here. but I still need to take a day to sort out all my things and downsize.
The main creative outlet I have is playing the harp on the streets. I always run out of money, and centrelink I think has cut my payments, so I now busk for anything I want to buy so I feel like I’ve actually earnt money to spend, not just carelessly disposing of government handouts.
So I improvise with my harp on the streets. If I do it too many days in a row my fingers start to hurt, I never learnt or practise technique. One thing I don’t fit into schedule is practise, so although I’m playing a lot of harp, I’m not improving or doing anything new. It does get me money for groceries though.
I don’t have internet at my place or even on my phone at the moment, and thanks again to Harry Potter I’ve recently re discovered the magic of reading a good novel. I’ve only tried reading non fiction books for the past 2 years but haven’t finished a single one. The new HP play was a joy to read and now I’m hooked on another book these people that were moving out of their house down the road from the warehouse gave me. Colourless Tzukuru Tazaki, by Murakami, Japanese author.
It is interesting reading a novel knowing that it has been translated into English, I was constantly analyzing the language use in the beginning and wondering how it actually was meant to be expressed in Japanese. But now I’m just reading to eagerly find out what happens next!
Oh and lastly what I’ve been doing with my time is going to the gym. They have dance aerobic classes, and yoga and pilates classes there. These two are my favourites.
I don’t have Facebook and don’t like going out to parties or social events cos my voice can’t handle it. I only have a few people who want to catch up with me in Melbourne, most are in their own busy schedule. I do like going out to dance though. And I visit some people some times.
This is became a boring entry but I just wanted to share what is happening with my life at the moment. What I am doing with my time. I’m trying to focus on health and get slowly organised.
Staying put doesn’t work for me. I have done this for most of my life though, in the city which is also where I don’t want to be. I would be okay with my life if this was where I wanted to live, but really it is not. Not ultimately and not for long term. Staying put makes me stagnant and collect clutter, which then takes time out of my life to deal with it like right now.
But oh well. You create your own reality, and I created this.
And I refused to leave Melbourne again without a license and a van, because I don’t want to have to rely on anyone to get me anywhere and have too much I want to bring (like a harp) for hitching now.
And I can’t complain about having a free two bedroom flat to reside in as I figure my life out again. And work on my voice and towards the goal of being with the trees.
I think I remember why I haven’t written in here in so long- because I stay up all night writing and need sleep!
Next entry I will try and rack up all of my dreams and explain their meanings and significance, which will be a WAY more interesting entry. Because oh my god my dreams have been so random, wild and crazy. Every morning now too, usually.
I just hardly ever write them all down! but I will dig deep and check all my notes.
Until then, good night!